The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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