I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
