drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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