FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
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