he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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