Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
