I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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