What did we do last night that was yellow?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
