its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She's the barista slut.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
