I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
