i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
