Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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