i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
