just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
