1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
