I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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