If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
