sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I looked at my own cervix.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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