My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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