my phone needs a breathalizer
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
