she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
