Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
