when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
