all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just gargled with NyQuil
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
