I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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