Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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