Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i came on her dog
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
