If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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