I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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