Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
