Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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