____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
