dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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