i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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