you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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