forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
