I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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