i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
