Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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