ya dads aren't the best wingmen
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
