I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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