either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
