ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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