It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
