I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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