"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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