Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
