So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
