My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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