my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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